joseph takes the checkered flag!

note: this post was not edited thoroughly as it is lengthy and 4:30a. please excuse the frequent shifting from past to present tense.

Act I: Gentleman, Start Your Engine!
Let me tell you another tale of the one man race. If you'll recall, the last one man race I reported on resulted in failure. This one is a tale of victory. I got up at 9:40a. I had planned on going to Toys R Us early in an attempt to procure the coveted Wii Fit. For a brief moment, I gave up. It was too late. Surely the line outside Toys R Us was already long and each store seems to be stocked with only few Wii Fits as they are in high demand. Remembering Toys R Us is only 5 minutes from Shaun's house, I decided I'd give it a try. You see, I had the opportunity to buy one online for retail ($90) plus $12 shipping. If I put too much effort/time/money into tracking down a Wii Fit, I may just as well have purchased it online a few days earlier.

I hopped in the shower (carefully) and hopped out. Threw on some clothes and zipped out the door. My trusty navigator (if I toss it across the room, does it become Flight of the Navigator?) took me right there. To my surprise, only 4 people were waiting outside the doors...a glimmer of hope. In the next 5 minutes before they opened their doors, a couple more people arrived and a couple people left (huh?). When they unlocked the doors, I was second in the store behind a woman and her daughter. As the woman put her daughter into the shopping basket, I took the lead. I couldn't believe it! But wait! Where's the video game section? Left? Right? Right! And no one else is going to the video games! What luck! Crossing my fingers for a Wii Fit, I quickly circled the department. I saw Wii games, but no locked case where they might store more expensive items. Ahoy! Behind the register!

I ask the guy at the register, "Did you get any more Wii Fits this morning?" He casually replies, "I think we might have some left over from last night." Last night? Last night?! They got them last night and they might have some left over? The guy went into the back room as they weren't stored in the locked case. He emerged with an unreadable expression on his face. Then he walked out from behind the isle...with a Wii Fit in his hands! Hallelujah! He looks at me and mutters, "We have about twelve back there." After politely declining the purchase of batteries or a protection plan, I paid for my Wii Fit and exited the store the victor of my one man race.

Act II: In The Primer Of My Life
That brings me to 10:05a. Lemme tell you what else I did with my day. I climbed a small ladder and primered the siding where the shutters were removed. See below:



Act III: A Fiery Passion That Consumes My Soul
After a hefty burger and some Mortal Kombat and Wii Fit action, I threw myself into the shower (if I throw myself into the shower and I am my own navigator because I know how to get there, does it become Flight of the Navigator?) because it was time to light the night on fire with a little Sinferno. This was the strangest Sinferno ever. I hope I can remember everything that happened.

When I got there, it was really crowded. Strange because there was no opening band listed online. Sure enough, rock and roll was pouring out of the building and I got to see two decent bands before Sinferno. My preferred seat is front and center, but the early crowd forced me to sit in the furthest corner. Then a young woman asks me if anyone is using the other chairs. They were unoccupied, so she and some of her other goth musician types joined my table. Eventually, enough joined us that they commandeered a second table, pushing them together. After about 15 minutes of awkwardness, the table front and center became available and I bolted. I don't usually mind sharing my table with others, but that was just too much. I watched the final opening band comfortably...and alone.

Act IV: Blitzed Begins To Describe It
Before Sinferno began, a young lady asked me if I was alone. I was, so she joined me at my table. She introduced herself and I introduced myself...then she did it again. Figuring she simply didn't hear me, I reintroduced myself. Then she introduced herself a third time and proceeded to tell me that she works at a local bar and just got off work...and has had a lot to drink. Then she looks at me. An approximation of this conversation follows:

HER: Am I pretty?
ME: Absolutely.
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah. [I turn away]
HER: Do you want to get layed tonight? [I turn to her, but avoid eye contact]
Not with me. Just, do you want to get layed?
ME: I guess.
HER: Yeah. There's lots of pretty girls here. [she proceeds to tell me about a guy in the bar that she's interested in]

Well, she was a very affectionate drunk with a paper-thin personal space bubble. And she kept offering to buy me a drink. Saying yes was not the kind of signal I wanted to send - I eventually let her get me another water and that put an end to that.

Another time, she returned to the table from the restroom. As I leaned in to tell her I was going to the restroom, she pulled me up and in a blink of an eye...we were dancing! What?! How did that happen?! In the 30 seconds we were dancing, someone snaked my chair. And that was my opening. I lean in. "I really need to pee and someone just took my chair." "It's ok. Go pee. I'll get your chair back." Phew!

Interlude: In The Restroom
I peeked in the restroom and it was full. So I waited outside the door. Then someone walked past me and attempted to enter. "It's full," I said. Realizing he's just cut in line, he backs off...at which time, all three men in there finish...in unison. While standing at one urinal, the guy walks up to the one next to me. "I didn't see anyone peeing in the sink. That's my new motto for the night. 'It ain't full unless there's someone peeing in the sink!'" I then told my story about the guy I once saw peeing into the sink at Dante's...as we stood at the urinals.

Act V: Blitzed Doesn't Begin To Describe It
I returned to my seat, now unoccupied. [SQUISH!] Except for the girl's purse, which I pulled out from under my bottom. From then on, she came and went as she chased after that guy she mentioned earlier. I was left to babysit a purse for a girl I didn't even know. Whatever. Without me to look after her purse, she'd surely lose it.

Probably 45 minutes later, she returned to the table and grabbed her purse proclaiming her intent to call a cab. And wasn't I silly to think that was the last I'd see of her? Because a long while later, she returned and grabbed her coat from off the ground and starts hunting around. "Where's my purse? It was here." In my mind, I rolled my eyes. And I probably rolled them for real too. This gal is totally blitzed at this point, having earlier revealed to me that she has fallen many, many times throughout the night. Rarely have I seen anyone so out of their mind...and great, we're 'best friends' now as she has no one else to turn to. Again I lean into her. "You took your purse and said you were gonna call a cab." Of course, she's balling at this point. "I don't know where my purse is. Do you know where it is?" And she wanders away to look for it.

Sometime later: She returns. "I don't know where my purse is. Do you know where it is? Will you help me look for it?" So, we're wandering around a packed bar (more on that later) looking for a black purse in the dark...as I try to hold her up. Finally, we get a tip from a guy about a purse he saw on the bar. Mission accomplished. She hugs her purse with tears streaming down her face and announces to anyone who will listen, "I found my purse! I lost it and now I found it!" And she leaves. [deep breath]

Act VI: Too Cool For School
Sinferno's MC for the night was Ed Forman, a local late night talk-show comedian. That was different. Never seen him before. Immediately, he invited everyone to fill in the front dance area. Well, it looks like school is starting soon, because my view was blocked (I didn't want to stand) by drunken college-age people for most of the show. I'm certain that this was the most crowded I've ever seen Sinferno. There was still a large crowd at the show's conclusion (2:15a). The crowd makes for a great atmosphere, but those students don't tip worth beans! I felt bad for the performers. They deserve so much more than that!

Epilogue
Miscellaneous note: honorable mention goes to Gru for coming up in conversation. I was wearing my World's Coolest Uncle shirt!