i thought i'd have more to say when i logged into this site 30 seconds ago. i think most of what i need to say shouldn't be printed. not because it's profane and not because no one cares. but because this is a public diary, a very strange construct in this information age.
i'm finally back in portland which is, by the way, the most wonderful-est city anywhere in the world. i'm staying at shaun's house now. in exchange for a bed, i'm painting my bedroom. his wife is away for a week, so i got to take him out to Sinferno. we had fun and stayed later than we thought we would as shaun had to work this morning. the opening band (Klezmocracy) blasted some groovy jazz for our aural pleasure. well, my aural pleasure. not sure jazz is shaun's thing. we each had a drink. a table front and center opened up after the band, so we got the best seats in the house without the trouble of arriving early.
as for the flaming arrows...it's an image that pervaded my mind this morning. you see, i've been racing a one-man race for months. that race ended this morning with an email.
[this note marks the point at which i remembered that my former wife reads my blogs...watch self-consciousness dominate from here on]
anyway...when you get dumped (in the absence of obvious wrongdoing), i figure you should be the first to move on. that way it's just "i'm dumping you" rather than "i'm dumping you and getting a new boyfriend/girlfriend." so with a one sentence email (completely lacking in empathy - typical...and completely unsolicited), i am proclaimed the loser of that one-man race. a race run for myself only. honestly, i thought i had lost that race quietly a couple months ago. and that's how it should have been. quiet.
and you think you know yourself too. even if you can't be honest with others about what's going on in your heart and mind, you think you know exactly how you feel. i thought i was standing firmly on two feet, but what i mistook for firm ground was only the beginning of my standing on my own two feet, which feels solid after falling so hard.
and all i can do is laugh.
2 comments:
Laughing is an excellent way to deal with things...it's good that you're now standing on solid ground...remember there are a lot of people cheering for you and caring about you and just wanting you to be healthy and happy...
anonymous? who dat? and lol at 2nd sentence. i think deb. the last sentence gives it away.
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